Want..Doing?

You know its bad sign when your assignment is about why you want to be a teacher and you're having trouble..

I sort of know why I want to be a teacher but at of the day i dont know for sure..at the moment I like the idea of being a teacher and think i'd be good at it..Well hope i'd be good at it..

Its more appealing to me then a desk job..i wasnt really good at that..i was good at answering the phone but that was the social easy part of it all..

But i find myself wondering do we ever know what we want? I mean..how do you really know? Are we meant to know? When are we meant to know? Will we 'just' know?

And sometimes when you get what you want it makes you realise you really didnt want it in the first place..

I think I want to be a teacher..but i dont know..Im fairly confident i do but not 100%..nearly everyone i've told that im doing education say i'd be good at it (most ppl say its coz i can be bossy..bitches)..

So to anyone..how did you know you wanted to do something?? Any signs??

Every day above the ground is a good day

I am alive..thats how I want to start off..

I heard some bad news yesterday about a family friend..devastating news..

What would you do if you were told you had 12 months left to live? Would you be happy with your life so far? Would you be comfortable with the time you've spent on this earth? Would you finally do that the things I want to do before i die list? Would you live everyday to the craziest and fullest? Or would you just spend it with your friends and family?

I dont know how i'd feel..I worry too much about what ppl think..i'd love to just break free of the worry and just do what i want to and say what i feel..i never want to hurt ppls feelings so i hold things in..when i really want to say your being an idiot or what the fuck are you doing..i just stand back and nod because i dont want to upset someone..I dont express all of my opinions because i dont want to be labelled as a bitch..I dont send the angry text messages when im upset because i dont want to cause more conflict so ppl never really understand how I feel..im having one of those no one really knows me days..

But this all does not matter..while im wondering about this crap ppl are going through hell when i have the world at my feet..How can we make this world a better place? I want to be a teacher because i feel its somehow my way of helping..I aim to be one of those great teachers the ones you talk about who made the classroom fun..I want to help kids who struggle..i want to make an impact on someones life to make their world a better place..

yes i am aware im starting to sound like a beauty queen smiling and saying 'world peace' but thats not it..i understand that the world will never be that way..Its like from a walk to remember "without suffering there would be no compassion"..

Anyways..to my family friend..my thoughts are with you and your family in probably the worst time of your lives..May miracles come your way!

Letter

Dear Adam,

I have some things i want to ask.

Do you love her the way you loved me?
Do you think she's prettier than me?
Do you think she's smarter than me?
Do you find her more attractive?
Does she make you laugh like how i used to?
Does she call you before bed, in the sheets just to say goodnight and hear your voice?
Does she give you a free ticket to the roar soccer game and go with you even though she hates it but does it because you love it?
Does she buy you concert tickets to a band she hates?
Do you have more in common with her than you did with me?
Is there more chemistry between the two of you then there was with us?
Do your parents like her more?
Do your friends like her more?
Does anyone ask how im doing to you?
Does your family miss me?
Do you miss me?
Do you even think about me?
Do you even care?
What happened?
Why did you do this?
Why did you not even give me an explanation?

Katie.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay so..the last couple of days all i can think about is a relationship. I dont know what brought it on..but its stuck in my head..I dont know where im at anymore..i dont know what being over someone is? I really was doing so well until a couple of days ago..but although everything ive said..i dont miss you as a person..i dont miss little things about you..i dont miss it all..i miss who i was when i was with you..i miss how happy i was..i miss being cuddled..i miss having someone telling me they loved me..i miss having someone i could call when i was scared..someone who always said to me "babe the sun will still come up tomorrow..of course i love you and your gorgeous"..i miss feeling complete..i miss my safety net..