Phases

Phase one - Denial : (psychiatry) a defense mechanism that denies painful thoughts
Phase two - Anger : a strong emotion; a feeling that is oriented toward some real or supposed grievance
Phase three - blame: an accusation that you are responsible for some lapse or misdeed
Phase four - retail therpay : is shopping with the primary purpose of improving the buyer's mood or disposition. (1) Often seen in people during periods of depression or transition, it is normally a short-lived habit. Items purchased during periods of retail therapy are sometimes referred to as "comfort buys."

So today im up to phase four..i bought some crap i probably dont need but the feeling of new stuff makes me feel better somehow..i think that if i surround myself with new stuff i'll somehow have a new environment and i'll have a new perspective..

This is probably a bad thing to say..but im in the funner part of the break up..shopping for random things..I'd like to think that the next phase is excessive partying? That sounds a bit more fun..

Today was the first day i didnt think about us..i didnt think of missing you..i didnt think of blaming myself i didnt even think of blaming you..i thought about us being friends and that was it..Songs came on that were used to remind me of u or us or whatever and i didnt get upset..maybe i can start smiling about the good times and not get upset that there may not be anymore..fingers crossed all days will be the same..

So who wants to be my midnight kiss??

Moving on

So nearly a week has passed and my numbness has also passed..now im left wondering why u didnt want me anymore..

But i got through this week and i will get through all the others..if you can have no pain so can i..im young and deserve to be happy and thats what im determined to be..

& to alicia harris..your an angel! For being there every step of the way and knowing what to and what not to say..

Feeling

Today is the day I really thought about whats happened and I really understood..

Things hadn't been okay for ages..you stopped trying..i started to fall out of love and it scared me because i knew how much fun we'd had in the passed..so i avoided it..i avoiding thinking about it because i knew u going away was going to be a break for us and then we could really work out if this relationship is going the same way it was a year ago..

You came back and I tried so hard for things to go back to what it was a year ago..Even before u left i tried to make things perfect..I tried so hard to make u happy that I put ur happiness before my own..

u'd think it'd be a huge relief for me to admit that now?..a huge relief i dont have to worry about u anymore..i felt a bit of that today..but now im left wondering how come you couldnt love someone who devoted themself to you? I know this is wrong and love isnt a one way street..but if i couldnt make this relationship work how can I in the future?

Deep down i know ur not the one for me..deep down i know this relationship ended before u left..deep down i know that this shouldnt be my fault..but i feel like it is..

Questions

Why?
How?
How long?
Is there things i dont know?
What now?
How long is it going to be now until i can be over this?
Am I better off?
Is there someone else out there for me?
Will I enjoy more things now?
Am I going to be care free?
Am I going never stop crying?
Am I going to find someone else who made me feel the way i did when i was with you?

Storm

Yesterday there was a storm..that big black cloud had been lingering over me for over a week..a cloud that i could feel was coming..then it hit. The storm swept through my life and has caused a lot of damage is beginning to show..The rain fell so hard last night..the wind came through and took everything in its path..the lightening struck and the thunder was too loud..my world was shaken and the damage control is now impossible..

Someone who used to feel like home to me..doesnt now..someone who used to smile made me cry..someone who I fell madly in love with..isnt sure..

Why do things start great and end shitly..why? Whats love if it is heartbreak? Why do we do it? Soul mate? whatever..

"And now you don't feel the sameI remember you would shiver everytime I said your name..You said nothing felt as good as when you gaze into my eyes..Now you don't care I'm alive How did we let the fire die" Paula Deanda - When it was Me

So there's normally a rainbow after rain yes? No rainbow.."I will always love you"..those words were like thunder..thunder that is so loud it wakes you up if your asleep and scares you even if like storms..

2008

So today I sent off my form for my uni course to be changed..and im really excited about it!! I think i've finally decided what I want to do and it's a great feeling..a career that i think is more suited to me then a boring office job like i used to have..a job i can get something out of..

2008 was a year all about learning..and a friend of mine said "no one's really done anything except..." i think thats not true..we all did something..we worked..we learned..we made a new group of friends..we earnt..we spent and we were drunk..a lot..and that is what this year should be about..take a step back and learn what you really want and learn more about yourself..I worked full time most of the year..learnt that a business job wasnt for me and wont be in the future which i'd rather learn that way then do a business course in uni for 3 years come out of it and in 5 years end up hating my job..

Maybe not on paper we've done much..but hey..2008 has been the best..those fun times in the valley..the vale..this year was pretty awesome..

Right now im listening to Get Shaky..love that song!

Grown up..

Remember when you were like 6 and everyone used to always ask each other "what do you want to be when you grow up"..

So now..being 18 technically an adult..are we all grown up? Somehow i doubt that yet there's this pressure thats just lurking over us to have some direction..know what we want to do with our lives and where we want to be in ten years time..truth is i think none of us know..

So what do u do? Do you just do something just coz? Do you jump into uni bury yourself in a degree that you think you may like or may have something good at the end of it and be left with a pretty debt at the end of it? Do you work full time in a job that you don't like? Do you follow what your parents want you to do because I mean they brought you up so far and they haven't done such a bad job..OR..Do you travel? See the world while your young..just like everyone says? Find yourself before you can find your career? I'm thinking this is the one i want..

Im thinking that i need to find myself a bit more before I start doing the thing im supposed to do when im all grown up..I always said when I grew up i'd be a teacher..and funny enough early childhood was the most interesting subject for me..not business..business is just the easy way out..

So i think time is going to keep passing by but uni will always be there..

Love

How do you know your in it? How do you know you have the real thing..the thing everyone talks about..the thing that makes a good movie..a good novel..a good song lyric..the thing that questionably makes the world go round..

What would Titanic have been without Jack and Rose? BORING..what would Grease have been without Sandy and Danny? Why can't love be like in the movies..where the couple meets..runs into a bit of drama..breaks up..someone apologies and then there's a kiss and then a happy ending..

Once your in it..what do u do for love? Do you sacrifice things? Where do you draw the line with compromises? Do you risk everything for love? Is putting a career or degree on hold something you do for this great thing.."If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. If they don't, their love was never yours to begin with..."-Unknown. Is that really true? Everything happens for a reason? If u didnt let it go then there's a chance u'd still be together and if u dont and it doesnt come back then your going to wonder what if for a long time..your dammed if u do and dammed if you dont..

Do we have soul mates or great loves..or both? Look at people who fall madly in love..get married..have babies and then get divorced? Was it a great love that faded? Is love really not enough?

What if you take a risk and it backfires? Is it worth taking the risk?

"Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."-St. Augustine

So yes..i know im young and possibly going to fall in love in my life more than once..and be heartbroken more then once..but in a year from now..this could be a scary decision making time for me..and i probably wont have my mind made up as i changed my mind today..again..

But the feeling i have right now..i dont want it to end..ever..could this decision just be the bit of drama in my love story? Maybe i can look forward to the romantic gesture..go weak at the knees? Or..not..